i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
