there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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