I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize