the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
