Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize