She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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