i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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