your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
