my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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