i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
