Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
