My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
