For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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