our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
