Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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