I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
