She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
