Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
