In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Randomize
