Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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