Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
