Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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