Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
