watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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