Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
