She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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