I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
