Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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