NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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