that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
