So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
