There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize