I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
