"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
