oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
