drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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