I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
where am i from again
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
