I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
