WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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