You smell like stripper and shame
i dont even know how to be here
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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