so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
