You can't motorboat a personality
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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