I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize