just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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