I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
