some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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