On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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