when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i love accidental penises.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
