6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
