we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
