hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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