Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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