Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
