we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
