she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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