Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
