this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
