i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
