My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
