I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There r osticjed everywhere
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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