We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize